Webinar: Staying Connected: Ways to Be in an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship

Life can feel like a never-ending juggling act. Between work deadlines, endless to-do lists, and the constant demands of parenting, it’s easy for your relationship to slide down the priority list. Maybe you and your partner pass like ships in the night, sharing a quick “How was your day?” before diving into dinner prep or bedtime routines. The connection you once had feels distant, buried beneath the weight of daily responsibilities. You’re left wondering: Are we growing apart? Will we ever find our way back to each other?

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and there is hope. Our upcoming webinar, “Staying Connected: Ways to Be in an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship,” is designed to help you rebuild that bridge to your partner. Whether you feel overwhelmed by the demands of life, disconnected from your partner, or uncertain about how to create space for your relationship amidst the chaos, this event will equip you with actionable tools and insights to turn things around.

Imagine What’s Possible

Picture a relationship where you and your partner feel truly seen and heard. You know what’s going on in each other’s lives, not just on the surface but at a deeper level. You’ve established boundaries that protect time for meaningful connection, allowing you to rekindle intimacy and face challenges together as a team. With intentional effort, your relationship can move from simply coexisting to thriving.

During this webinar, you’ll learn:

• The traits of an emotionally intelligent couple and how to embody them.
• How to build love maps to deepen your understanding of one another.
• Practical strategies to establish boundaries and make time for what truly matters.
• How do you balance the different aspects of wellness to show up as your best self in your relationship?

Your Path to Connection

Talia Loredo is a Couples Counselor and Sex Therapist at Eddins Counseling. She works with couples daily to help them rediscover joy and intimacy in their relationships. Believing that life can be tough, Talia emphasizes that with the right tools, partners can show up fully for one another. Her webinar is not about adding another task to a busy schedule, but rather about learning how to transform a relationship into a source of strength and fulfillment, even amidst life’s challenges.

Don’t let another day slip by without taking action for your relationship. Join me for this empowering session and take the first step toward building the connection you’ve been longing for.

Watch a replay of the presentation here.

Today, the discussion focuses on “Staying Connected: Ways to Be in an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship.” Talia Laredo, a couples counselor and sex therapist with Eddins Counseling & Therapy Group, leads the conversation. The session is part of this month’s focus on wellness.

These sessions are held monthly, on the second Thursday from 7:00 to 8:00 PM, covering a variety of topics. As a couples counselor, Talia Laredo will be focusing on relationships during today’s discussion.

Objectives

Why am I here?

• Identify tools for increasing connection
• Identify goals for communicating
• Identify barriers to communication
• Identify what to do instead

First, the session will start by addressing the question: why are we here? The purpose is to be in an emotionally intelligent relationship. The discussion will identify what that means, what an emotionally intelligent relationship is, what is required, and what everyone is working towards when learning these skills and tools.

It will cover identifying tools for increasing connection, tools for communicating, barriers to communication, and what to do instead. A good portion of time will also be spent on communication because communication can either enhance connection or be a barrier to it. The goal is to make sure communication is done properly in order to build strong relationships.

What is an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship?

And Why Have It?

… one that is self-aware, empathetic, prioritizes connection, and has effective communication..

• Secure connection to a loved one is empowering.
• When we feel safely connected to others… we understand ourselves more, like ourselves better, and can be curious.
• The more secure we are in our relationships, the more independent we can be in other ways.
• We are better at seeking out support and better at giving it.

Okay, so what is an emotionally intelligent relationship, and why is it important to have one? 

An emotionally intelligent relationship is one where both parties are self-aware, aware of their areas of growth and their areas of strength. With this awareness comes the ability to identify what needs to be worked on and what goals to move toward. In an emotionally intelligent relationship, each person cares about where they are and the things they need to work on in order to move toward the ideal relationship and goals they have in mind.

Awareness is a really big part of this. An emotionally intelligent relationship also includes empathy, which will be explored further later in the presentation, focusing on how to communicate empathy with a partner. It is a relationship that prioritizes connection. The session will cover the function and purpose of a relationship and explain why connection is probably the most important aspect. Additionally, an emotionally intelligent relationship involves effective communication. 

But why have an emotionally intelligent relationship? Why be in a relationship at all? Humans are social creatures who need others—a partner—to thrive in this world.

A secure connection to a loved one is one that is empowering. 

Whether that connection is with a partner or other people in our lives, relationships hold great power. They give us the ability to be explorative and curious about the world. Although it may sound unusual, an adult relationship often mirrors the love between a mother and child during early life. Therefore, attachment is very, very important.

Just like when you’re younger, you thrive—or don’t—based on the relationship you have with your mother and the secure attachment present there. The same is true as an adult, except that person often becomes your romantic partner, though it can also be others in your life. It’s really important that, when you’re in a romantic relationship, it is secure and strong because it serves as that point of secure connection in your life, allowing you to go out into the world and thrive.

Research shows that people in relationships often live longer because they have that safe and trusting environment—a home base, a safe place—to return to. 

When we feel safely connected to others, we understand ourselves better, like ourselves more, and can be curious. 

Being in a relationship gives us the ability to self-evaluate and figure out how to make things work together. It becomes a space where confidence grows. With that safe belief in our partner, we can explore and be curious in other areas of life.

These are just some of the functions of a relationship and why they are so important—and why it’s crucial for a relationship to be emotionally intelligent. The more secure we are in our relationships, the more independent we can be in other ways. We become better at seeking support and better at giving it when we’re in emotionally intelligent relationships. 

With secure attachment, we have someone we can confidently ask for help, share our vulnerabilities, fears, needs, and wants. It becomes easier to ask for support and to give others the space to provide it.

Ways To Integrate Connection Into Your Relationship

..and the 5 Love Languages

1. Dates
2. Find a shared hobby
3. Schedule weekly time together – put it in your calendar’s ahead of time
4. Go for walks (highly recommend)
5. Dream together or discuss the future
6. Explore a book or podcast together to talk about
7. Stretch yoursef. If you partner wants to try something new, don’t automatically say no
8. Celebrate successes together
9. Physical intimacy
10. Limit distractions when you’re together

Let’s discuss ways to integrate connection into a relationship, things that maybe will work for people who are really busy and just trying to figure out ways to enhance intimacy. Starting with the five love languages and ways to utilize them. 

The first one is dates—that one’s pretty straightforward. Another one is finding a shared hobby. Being able to do activities with a partner can be really helpful. Let’s just say someone is really, really busy and trying to make sure they get their workouts in throughout the week. At the same time, they also want to spend some time with their loved ones. 

Being able to find a hobby together, join a sport together, or work out together is a way to check off two different aspects of wellness—spending time with a partner and getting some exercise in. It also nurtures personal interests and the shared interests within the relationship, offering a space to explore and enjoy something together.

Scheduling weekly time together is important, and putting it in the calendar ahead of time. Making time with a partner and prioritizing that connection is just as important as going to the gym, attending a work meeting, or eating healthy foods. It’s equally essential for the health of the individual, the partner, and the relationship. It should go in the calendar, be treated like a priority, and not be moved, because it’s a commitment. 

Being intentional about setting time aside for one another matters.

Going for walks is also highly recommended with many clients—walking can be very peaceful. It can be very rhythmic. It’s a really good space for individuals to have open conversations with their partners. It’s a time to dream together and discuss the future—to create plans, hope and dream, aspire to new things, and figure out ways to help each other move toward goals that have been created on both an individual and interpersonal level.

Exploring a book or podcast together is another way to connect, sharing in each other’s interests and ideas, and having things to talk about. It’s important to stretch oneself; if a partner wants to try something new, it’s best not to automatically say no. 

Being open, curious, and willing to explore with a partner—even if it doesn’t appeal right away—is key. 

It’s all about compromise, finding ways to appeal to both partners’ interests and trying something new for the other person. In a secure relationship, there is the ability to be open, curious, and explorative. Along with that, it’s important to maintain shared values and celebrate successes together.

Physical intimacy is also essential. There will be more discussion about communication, but when it comes to physical intimacy, it’s about integrating it and figuring out what works best for each couple.

With physical intimacy, it can be a topic that feels very personal and vulnerable. By working on communication, individuals can begin to feel more confident in having sexual conversations and in figuring out what’s going to work for them, their partner, and their relationship.

It’s also important to limit distractions whenever spending time together. Just like treating time with a partner as if it were a work meeting or something else important, like going to the gym, making sure that time is intentional and that space is held for the partner, so they truly feel like a priority.

Five Love Languages

And then there are the five love languages. Many people have likely heard of the five love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, and acts of service. An assessment is linked at the end of the presentation to help individuals figure out their love language. 

This tool is encouraged as a way to explore with a partner—learning what their love language is, what one’s own love language is, and how to bridge the gap in order to stay in tune with each other’s needs.

The way someone conceptualizes love and wants to receive love can vary from how they give love, and it’s important to be flexible in that way. It’s also valuable to have deeper conversations about what each of the love languages looks like to each person. If partners have different interpretations of what acts of service mean, being able to talk about that helps them stay in tune with each other’s love languages and understand what those expressions truly look like for one another.

Love Maps

Being intimately familiar with each other’s worlds

Love maps—being intimately familiar with each other’s worlds—are very important. This concept is discussed by Dr. John Gottman, who specializes in helping couples in many ways. Love maps are essentially about gaining a clearer picture of a partner: their story, their history, who they are, and really being in tune with all of that information.

Some might think they already know a lot about their partner, but this concept goes deeper, into the kinds of things people might not think to ask. It’s also about keeping that information updated: staying in tune with what a partner’s day looks like, what they’re doing, what their hobbies are, how they like to spend their evenings, as well as their histories, ideas, and thoughts.

It’s really important to be in tune with one another and to have a clear idea of who the other person is, showing interest in what matters. Here are some ways in which they can be beneficial:

Coping with Stress

Love maps can help with coping with stress. From knowledge comes not just love, but also the ability to weather storms. For example, during a conversation, one might notice a shift in their partner’s attitude—a soft spot may have been touched. 

When there’s a strong understanding of who a partner is, including their vulnerabilities, fears, needs, and wants, it becomes easier to recognize those moments and respond with empathy. With that knowledge comes the ability to work with a partner and understand what’s really happening for them, whether in moments of joy or during more difficult emotional experiences.

Overcoming Negative Sentiment Override

Love maps also support overcoming negative sentiment override. Negative sentiment override is when negative interactions outweigh the positive ones. Often, couples come into therapy wanting to work on their relationship but feeling hopeless, stuck in a cycle where the negative experiences seem to outweigh the positive. In these cases, building or strengthening love maps can help shift that dynamic.

Love maps can offer an opportunity to incorporate more connection into a relationship, helping to increase positive interactions. One way to think about this is by imagining the relationship as a piggy bank. It’s not just about avoiding withdrawals—it’s also about making deposits. Viewing the relationship in this way helps reframe the importance of consistently nurturing it.

Increasing Confidence

By incorporating love maps, asking each other questions, and working on the connection, couples can increase those positive interactions and also increase their confidence in communicating. It’s about making space for conversations that aren’t stressful, so that when more challenging discussions do arise, they don’t feel as intimidating.

Through love maps and the act of asking and answering thoughtful questions, partners learn how to have deeper conversations that aren’t conflict-driven. These talks aren’t about being personal in a defensive way or setting the stage for disagreement—they’re simply about learning about each other. This kind of open and curious dialogue allows for connection in a meaningful way. Then, when high-stress conversations come up, there’s already a foundation of practiced communication, which helps both partners feel more capable of navigating those moments together.

As mentioned previously, going on walks can be incredibly helpful. This is often when it’s recommended to put love maps into practice. During a walk, partners can take time to ask each other questions. Walks are peaceful and rhythmic, creating a relaxed atmosphere that makes it easier to open up and explore meaningful topics together. Even the fact that couples aren’t looking directly at each other can make the conversation feel more casual and less intimidating, increasing the likelihood of genuine openness.

This is a great way to practice connection. At the end of the presentation, there are several linked questions and games that couples can use to guide these conversations—resources designed to help generate ideas and foster dialogue.

Love Maps Exercise

Reflect

• Name your partner’s two closest friends
• What was your partner wearing when you first met?
• Name one of your partner’s hobbies.
• What stresses your partner right now?
• Describe in detail what your partner did today or yesterday.
• What is your partner’s fondest unrealized dream?
• What is one of your partner’s greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
• What is one of your partner’s favorite ways to be soothed?
• Name a person your partner dislikes.
• What is your partner’s ideal job?
• What medical problem does your partner worry about?

These are examples of questions that might be asked during a love maps exercise. Individuals are encouraged to consider how many of these questions they can answer about their partner, or how many their partner might be able to answer about them.

This exercise offers insight into the strength of one’s love map and how in tune each partner is with the other. There are countless additional questions that can be explored, and many resources are available to support this process. It’s worth taking a few minutes to go through the examples and reflect on the potential for deeper understanding and connection.

Ideally, this exercise provides some insight into how well each person knows their partner and highlights areas where there may be more to discover. No matter how long a couple has been together, there are always new ways to learn about one another. This ongoing discovery is essential to helping each partner feel seen, recognized, and valued—and that sense of being known offers significant benefits to the overall relationship connection.

Goals of Communication

Viral for building strong connections

• Providing Empathy: Give you and your partner a safe space to process emotions and stressors.
• Problem Solving: Identifying resolutions for daily individual/relational issues.
• Understanding Fears: Identifying raw spots together so you can identify needs/wants and have something to work towards together.

Now the focus shifts to communication. So, what is this thing called communication, and what are the goals behind it? A common response to that question is “problem solving,” and while that is certainly one important function, communication is much more than that.

It’s important to develop a clear understanding of the purpose of communication in a relationship, particularly when the goal is to build and maintain strong connections. Communication is vital to fostering deeper intimacy and emotional closeness.

Effective communication is characterized by safety, openness, and the freedom for both partners to explore and express their own thoughts and desires. It creates an open system in which both individuals feel comfortable discussing and sharing with one another.

The goals of communication in a relationship include providing empathy and creating a safe space where each partner can process emotions and stressors. 

These stressors may arise from within the relationship or from external circumstances. One of the key functions of a healthy relationship is offering that emotional refuge—a place where each person can return at the end of the day to feel understood and supported.

Whether someone is facing a difficult workday, family issues, personal loss, or health concerns, their relationship should serve as a secure base for processing those experiences. In this way, empathy becomes a cornerstone of meaningful connection.

Another central goal of communication is cultivating deeper understanding, especially of each other’s fears. Often, underlying relational conflicts are rooted in unspoken fears or insecurities. By identifying these vulnerable areas together, couples can clarify needs and desires and work collaboratively toward mutual growth and connection.

Barriers to Communication

Then what to do instead!

Now, the discussion turns to barriers to communication—specifically, how emotional regulation plays a role—and what can be done instead.

The Window of Tolerance

Taking Breaks

Understanding that communication has the power to make or break a connection.

Helpful>Harmful

The next concept is the window of tolerance and the importance of taking breaks during conflict or heightened emotional moments. The window of tolerance refers to the emotional zone where an individual is functioning at their best: they are emotionally regulated, able to think clearly, process emotions productively, and engage in meaningful, constructive conversations. It’s essentially the “sweet spot” for healthy communication.

However, life stressors and relationship challenges can often push individuals outside of this window. When that happens, one of two responses typically occurs:

Hyperarousal, which is the more recognizable response, may present as anger, anxiety, restlessness, or agitation. Physiological symptoms might include an increased heart rate, faster breathing, or raised voices. This state is marked by heightened emotional reactivity—essentially, the body and mind are in overdrive.

Understanding the window of tolerance helps couples recognize when it’s a good time to have a conversation—and when it might be more effective to pause. Knowing the difference and respecting those limits can significantly improve the quality of communication and emotional safety within the relationship.

The following sections will explore the second direction—hypoarousal—as well as healthy alternatives to navigating these states together.

In moments of emotional overwhelm, a person is often just deeply feeling the emotions that are surfacing. While this can sometimes show up as hyperarousal-like, like heightened anxiety, anger, or restlessness, it can also manifest as hypoarousal, which tends to be less obvious. 

Hypoarousal may look like withdrawal, avoidance, defensiveness, or even emotional numbness. 

Though these responses may appear different, they are both signs of someone who has moved outside their window of tolerance and is emotionally dysregulated.

It’s helpful to reflect on how this shows up for you personally. Think about a time when you were really stressed or overwhelmed. What did you notice happening in your body? How did your thoughts shift? What emotions came up for you? What physical or mental changes signaled that you were no longer in your optimal zone for communication or connection?

Awareness of these cues is important, not only for understanding ourselves but for supporting our relationships. When emotions become too intense, the body releases stress hormones that impact how we think, feel, and respond. These physiological changes can interfere with our ability to process emotions clearly and may cause us to misinterpret our partner’s words or intentions. Recognizing these signs helps normalize emotional responses and allows us to take breaks when needed, creating space to return to the conversation with more clarity and compassion.

It’s important to recognize when we’re exiting our window of tolerance, because that’s often the point where communication shifts from being helpful to potentially harmful. When things start to feel heated during a conversation with your partner, take a moment to ask yourself: Is this still helpful, or is this becoming harmful? Are we building a connection right now, or are we starting to break it down? Am I still able to offer a safe, supportive space for my partner—and are they able to do the same for me?

Being aware of what this looks and feels like for you is key. And just as important is normalizing your emotional experience in those moments. It’s okay to need a break. Giving yourself permission to pause can actually protect the relationship.

When you notice you’re outside your window of tolerance, try communicating that clearly.

You might say something like, “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now—I think I’ve stepped outside my window of tolerance.” Another helpful phrase is, “I’m feeling flooded.” This term refers to being emotionally overwhelmed, often due to a surge of stress hormones. Pairing that with reassurance can help keep the connection intact—for example: “This conversation matters to me, and I want to come back to it when I can be more present and constructive.”

By learning to identify these moments and respond with intention, you’re protecting the emotional safety of your relationship and reinforcing mutual respect.

At times, it may be necessary to take a break from a conversation. Many clients express that taking a break can feel like abandonment—like the other person is avoiding the conversation, brushing it under the rug, or ignoring it. The recommendation in these situations is to identify a specific time to return to the conversation.

Typically, it takes about an hour to re-enter the window of tolerance—sometimes a little longer for some individuals.

When taking a break, it’s helpful to say something like, “Let’s come back to this conversation in an hour,” or “Let’s revisit it after dinner.” Giving a concrete time helps communicate: “I’m not abandoning you. I’m not leaving this conversation. I’m not ignoring this. It’s important, but our communication needs to be helpful right now.”

It’s okay to become emotionally dysregulated from time to time—strong emotions can arise unexpectedly. It’s important to allow oneself to feel those emotions first and then reflect on what to share afterward.

Also, it matters how the break is spent. Ideally, the person should focus on mindfulness, grounding through breath, or engaging in calming physical activity like going for a walk or a run. It is important to find ways to de-escalate and regulate emotions so that a person can return to the conversation and engage with their partner in the best way possible.

The Four Horsemen

Questions to ask yourself: 

• What is the function behind these behaviors? How are they trying to serve me?
• How are they not working? How are they harming me, my partner, and my relationship?

The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

These are essentially maladaptive communication behaviors that can arise during interactions, and it is important to recognize when they occur in order to choose healthier ways to communicate instead. These behaviors are significant barriers to effective communication, yet people often feel compelled to use them when discussing issues with their partners.

Criticism and contempt tend to overlap but have distinct features. 

Criticism involves verbally attacking a partner’s personality or character, for example, saying “you’re a slob” versus expressing a specific frustration like “I’m frustrated that the dishes aren’t getting done.” Criticism targets the person directly. 

Contempt shares this negative evaluation but adds an element of looking down on the partner, often with a tone of superiority or authority.

Defensiveness involves refusing to take accountability, playing the victim, offering excuses, and not fully engaging with the partner’s emotions.

Stonewalling is characterized by withdrawing from the conversation to avoid conflict or intentionally ignoring the partner when the interaction becomes uncomfortable.

Considering the window of tolerance framework, criticism, contempt, and sometimes defensiveness tend to arise during hyperarousal (when a person is emotionally reactive), while stonewalling and defensiveness may surface more during hypoarousal (when a person withdraws or shuts down). Awareness of when one is exiting their window of tolerance is crucial because these behaviors become more likely during those moments.

If a person notices that they sometimes engage in these behaviors, it can be helpful to ask themselves what function these communication strategies serve. There is usually a reason they feel that approach will work in the moment. Exploring this can help identify the underlying true needs and wants, allowing the person to find alternative ways to express those needs that may better support their relationship. 

Ultimately, these four communication patterns are damaging and do not contribute positively to a healthy relationship. 

These behaviors often cause partners to grow further and further apart, creating significant damage to their connection. It is important to come to terms with the fact that these communication patterns do not work, even though they may feel effective in the moment. This requires asking oneself where these behaviors are coming from and why they seem functional at that time. 

Additionally, it is valuable to reflect on how these behaviors are not working and how they may be harming not only the relationship and the partner but also oneself in some way. Taking time to deeply explore what is really happening beneath these patterns can be very insightful.

Another way these behaviors drive partners apart is through their opposing dynamics. For example, criticism and contempt often trigger defensiveness and stonewalling. Someone who is being critical can cause their partner to stonewall even more, while the person stonewalling can provoke the critic to escalate their criticism. This creates a cycle that is difficult to break, making it seem like both partners are on opposite sides.

It is crucial to recognize when this pattern is occurring and to ask whether each partner is being viewed as the enemy or as a true partner. These maladaptive forms of communication tend to foster feelings of opposition rather than collaboration, which is something that should be actively avoided.

Identifying Needs and Wants

• Awareness is key
• Being in tune with your needs allows you to be able to know what to ask for from your partner
• Being in tune with your partner’s needs allows you to respond appropriately
• Ex. Arguments about money could be an underlying need to be financially secure
• This requires having a good foundation in the relationship where both parties feel emotionally safe enough to share. 

Next, the topic shifts to identifying needs and wants, which connects to the importance of maintaining awareness of the window of tolerance. Often, when individuals become emotionally flooded, they struggle to recognize or articulate their needs and wants, making it difficult to communicate these to their partner. Being in a calm and clear headspace allows a person to reflect on what is happening internally—what thoughts and emotions are surfacing—and how to express those needs effectively.

Awareness is key. When someone is attuned to their own needs, they can make clear requests of a partner; likewise, being attuned to a partner’s needs allows for appropriate and compassionate responses. Learning to identify and communicate needs and wants takes practice but is essential for healthy relationship communication.

Consider an example involving a partner who wants the dishes to be clean. That partner might blurt out a criticism, such as calling the other person a slob, when in reality they feel frustrated that the dishes have not been washed. If that partner pauses and slows down, they can reflect: What is really going on right now? Why is there an impulse to criticize? Why does this feel so heavy? Why does this trigger emotional dysregulation? Upon reflection, they might realize there is an underlying need for fairness and equality in household responsibilities. The true need, then, is for a sense of shared effort and balance.

Slowing down conversations and checking in with oneself helps uncover what is truly missing beneath the surface. 

Asking, What is missing? What feels out of place or inappropriate right now? Can provide valuable insight. A clear and calm mindset is necessary to conceptualize these feelings and needs in this way.

Another example is arguments about money, which might stem from a deeper need for financial security. Sometimes disagreements within a relationship may appear trivial on the surface, or a reaction may seem disproportionate to the situation, yet there is often an unspoken, deeper need driving the intensity of those emotions.

That is probably because there is a need or a fear of vulnerability underneath the conversation that is really hitting a soft spot. This is when love maps become important as well—being aware of those raw spots for oneself and also for a partner. This requires having a good foundation in the relationship where both parties feel emotionally safe enough to share. With negative sentiment override, it is important to have positive interactions outweigh the negative ones. 

Whenever a partner is sharing their needs, wants, or vulnerabilities, it is essential to provide the right space for that. 

Providing the right space reinforces the idea that they are safe and can share openly. Sometimes relationship wounds surface if one partner tries to share their needs, wants, fears, or vulnerabilities, and the other partner is not receptive. This teaches a partner: You are not safe here. You are not safe to talk to me about these key things. It is necessary to ensure that a safe space is provided so that each person feels they can share in that way.

The consequence of not being able to identify one’s needs and wants—and therefore not being able to share them with a partner—is resentment. Everyone has needs and wants. Everyone has expectations. It is crucial to be aware of them because ignoring them or leaving them unmet can lead to resentment in conversations and in the relationship overall, potentially creating bigger issues later on.

Giving You and Your Partner the Right Space to Communicate Empathy

1. See Their World – Get in Their Shoes
2. No Judgement
3. Understand Their Feelings – Get in Touch With Your Own Emotions
4. Communicate Understanding – Acknowledge First

Now, the topic shifts to empathy. This explains what empathy should look like, and next will cover some empathy traps—ways people try to communicate empathy, but it does not quite connect. Giving both partners the right space to communicate is vital. 

Empathy involves seeing the world from the other person’s perspective, stepping into their shoes. That can be incredibly challenging if both people feel like they are in opposing positions, if they are already outside of their window of tolerance, or if they are engaging in the Four Horsemen behaviors. It is very easy then to slip into a mindset of being enemies, which makes it even harder to see each other’s perspective.

It is going to be a lot harder to reach a place where one can visualize the other’s perspective if they are outside the window of tolerance. That is why it is important to catch the window of tolerance early on, because within that functional zone, it becomes much easier to do so.

Empathy means withholding judgment, providing a safe space, and not critiquing or arguing with another person’s feelings, thoughts, or emotions. It is about truly being able to sit with them and not trying to change whatever they are thinking, feeling, or expressing. 

Understanding a partner’s feelings also requires getting in touch with one’s own emotions. 

Part of empathy is stepping into the other person’s shoes and experiencing that emotion alongside them. When witnessing a partner’s hurt, it helps to connect with that same part within oneself to share in the experience.

A very powerful thing partners can do when expressing empathy is simply saying “Me too,” finding something relatable, and sitting with that emotion together. It is important to communicate understanding before attempting to problem-solve, critique, or argue in any way. Acknowledging what a partner is sharing should come first, before anything else.

Putting this into practice sets up conversations to be much more supportive because listening must come first, and speaking comes after. Many couples share that when one partner says something heavy, the other does not know what to say or how to comfort them. With empathy, sometimes there is no need to say anything at all. Sometimes there are no solutions, and a partner is not something to be fixed—what is needed is simply to see them, be there with them, notice them, and try to understand. It helps to just sit with them in that emotion.

If someone is too focused on how they are going to respond, they are likely not truly understanding what is being shared. 

It is impossible to fully understand if the mind is preoccupied with crafting a reply. Sometimes the best response is simply to say, “That’s really difficult. That’s tough,” and to sit and be present through it.

If any of these steps of empathy—seeing the world through the other’s eyes, stepping into their shoes, withholding judgment, understanding their feelings, or communicating understanding—feel too difficult in the moment, that may indicate being outside the window of tolerance. Within that window, these acts of empathy become much more attainable.

Lastly, if emotions are involved, problem-solving cannot happen effectively without first providing empathy. It is essential to acknowledge emotions before doing anything else.

Giving You and Your Partner the Right Space to Communicate

Empathy Traps – Your Partner Is Not Something to be Fixed

Let’s focus on empathy traps. One key takeaway is that a partner is not something to be fixed. Everyone experiences stressors, emotions, and feelings, and when communicating empathy, the goal is simply to be there with them, not to change their emotional experience. Part of loving someone is accepting all parts of them, including the full range of emotions they go through.

Some common empathy traps, even when coming from good intentions, include phrases like “Look on the bright side,” “At least you don’t have to…,” or jumping straight into problem-solving. For example, if a partner shares, “I had such a stressful day at work. My boss is putting a lot of pressure on me,” responding with, “Maybe you should just talk to your boss,” can feel dismissive.

At the end of the day, a partner is not a problem to be fixed when they are experiencing an emotion—they need to be heard first and foremost. Problem-solving in this context can imply, “I’m uncomfortable with your emotion, so I want to make it go away so I feel more comfortable.” Sometimes, the best thing to do is sit together in that emotion and accept that things are difficult.

Often, problem-solving can follow naturally after empathy, depending on the situation, but when emotions are involved, they must be addressed first. Emotions serve a purpose by providing direction and information, so allowing a partner to fully experience and process them helps both people identify meaningful solutions.

Putting It Together: The 3 C’s

Putting all of this together introduces the Three Cs: Catch it, Check it, Change it.

Catch it: This means recognizing moments when communication is becoming harmful instead of helpful by asking, “Am I outside my window of tolerance?” or “Am I using one of the Four Horsemen?” If needed, taking a break can help prevent the conversation from becoming maladaptive.

Check it: This involves asking, “What’s really going on for me right now? What am I needing? What am I wanting? What about this do I need to share with my partner to actually get what I need and want?” This step connects directly to identifying needs, wants, and feelings.

Change it: This means incorporating empathy and avoiding empathy traps, while using effective communication that includes clear thoughts, genuine empathy, and active listening. Practicing these three steps can truly transform communication and strengthen the connection in the relationship.

Resources

Recommended Reads and Games

Here are some resources that Talia recommends — a few books and games to support couples in deepening their connection:

• Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson: This book explores the attachment dynamics in romantic relationships and highlights how essential it is to create a secure, safe space with a partner.
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver: This resource provides practical tools and goes deeper into concepts like love maps and the Four Horsemen.
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman: This is a helpful read for couples to explore together, encouraging questions like, “How do you understand love, and how can I meet those needs for you?”
• Two card games and activities are also recommended: the Five Love Languages Assessment and the “3,000 Questions About Me” book, which is available at Target. Both offer fun and meaningful ways to ask each other questions and build love maps together.

About the Facilitator

A participant asked about managing very different perspectives in a relationship and whether radical acceptance has a place. Talia explained that when partners feel strongly about something, it’s usually because there is an underlying need, want, or fear. Slowing down to explore these deeper layers helps uncover what’s driving those perspectives so that solutions can be found to meet both partners’ needs. This is a big part of the work Talia does with couples: breaking issues down, understanding their roots, and figuring out how to address them collaboratively.

Talia Laredo is a couples counselor and certified sex therapist at Eddins Counseling Group. She graduated in December 2023 with a master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and has been working with couples for about two years. She finds it deeply meaningful to help people reflect, grow, and pursue love for themselves and each other. She is also certified through the National Sex Therapy Institute to address clients’ emotional and physical intimacy needs.

For any follow-up questions, Tali can be reached by email at [email protected], or appointments can be booked by calling Eddins Counseling Group or visiting their website.