October 13, 2014

Relationship Advice: Build Intimacy with Your Partner

Written by Rachel Eddins

relationship advice white couple in bed

Reestablishing Intimacy and Connection with Your Partner

  • Are you feeling disconnected from your partner?
  • Does your relationship lack intimacy and connection?

Many relationships can drift apart over time. You may start to feel alone, unappreciated, or unloved.

Dr. John Gottman has conducted years of research on what makes a successful marriage. In his research he has identified several factors that build up a solid relationship foundation.

One of these he refers to as “Love Maps.”

A love map is a template of your partner. A template of your partner’s worries, stresses, joys, and hopes.

No matter how well you know your partner, there may be things you don’t know. His relationship advice is to become intimately familiar with each other’s worlds.

Think about how you and your partner currently communicate. Over time, relationship conversations can become less intimate and more task-focused.

  • Did you pick up the dry cleaning?
  • The kids need to be picked up on Friday and so forth.

Love maps bring the focus back on the connection and intimacy between you and your partner. This goes beyond, “what’s your favorite food?’

Intimately knowing your partner includes understanding how their upbringing impacted them, knowing their sexual desires, preferences, and fantasies, and having a deeper understanding of the current stressors in their life as well as sources of enjoyment.

Relationship Advice: Take time every day to get to know your partner

Bring excitement and connection back into your relationship by taking time to get to know one another again. Take some time each day to ask each other one question.

Spend some quality time together and choose a question to talk about. After daily practice, you’ll start to feel closer and more connected again.

As each partner speaks about the day’s topic, the listening partner can deepen the connection by mirroring back what was heard, “I heard you say,…” and then validating their partner, “you make sense because…”

Take turns listening to and responding to each question.

Here are a few questions to get started:

  • What is my partner looking forward to the most next week?
  • What is my partner’s wish list for home improvement?
  • What has my partner done that he/she is most proud of lately?
  • What has been most disappointing to my partner lately?
  • What compliment has my partner received from a person other than myself in the past few days?
  • If my partner could follow his/her heart right now and do one thing he/she otherwise wouldn’t, what would it be?
  • Who does my partner consider a major rival or enemy?
  • What is the most frustrating about my partner’s job lately?
  • When is a time when something happened that made my partner doubt herself?
  • What is the most challenging part of my partner’s daily routine?
  • If my partner could make her parents understand one thing before they died, what would it be?
  • What stress is my partner currently facing?
  • What have been the most special times in my partner’s life?
  • What would my partner want to do if he/she won the lottery?
  • What is one of your partner’s fondest childhood memories?
  • What is something you do that helps your partner feel close to you?
  • What is a special memory that your partner has from your relationship together?
  • What is one way your partner can help you (stay calm during) or (bring up) difficult talks?
  • What are three things that your partner finds very romantic?
  • What does intimacy mean to your partner and how could you both become more intimate?


Looking for relationship counseling?

Next Steps

Whether you are single or currently in a relationship, relationship counseling can help you find the intimacy and connection you desire. Contact one of our relationship counselors in Houston to find out more or click here to read about our services.

To get started now give us a call to schedule an appointment at 832-559-2622 or schedule an appointment online.


Relationship Resources

The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples provides an opportunity for you and your spouse to benefit from learning the basics of strong, connected marriages, no matter how long you’ve been married. If marriage disconnection is an issue for you, this can be a helpful tool to get you back on track together. This can be a great resource to bring in with you to couples therapy. Click here to view more details.


The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples is designed to help you embark on marriage with a strong relationship skill set. We encourage you to strengthen your relationship foundation BEFORE you tie the knot – to pack your toolbox for the inherent ups and downs of life. This can provide insight for discussion in premarital counseling. Click here to view more details.

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