May 11, 2015

The Top 7 Reasons Couples Argue

Written by Rachel Eddins

why do couples argue

Sasha and Jim dated for five years before getting married.

Before marriage, they lived in separate apartments and gave each other space when they needed it. Although they are both independent, Sasha and Jim truly enjoy each other’s company.

They share similar interests and dreams of the future. As a married couple they are just as in love, but they have both noticed lately that they’ve been arguing more than usual.

Sasha wonders where these conflicts are coming from, and what it means for their marriage. If, like Sasha and Jim, you’re alarmed by the presence of conflict in your relationship, don’t worry—arguing is normal.

Arguments can simply be a sign that you’ve become more codependent (the healthy kind).

When you combine your routine, habits, and finances with someone else’s, it’s natural for your personal differences to become more pronounced.

The fact is, as a couple, you are two separate people working as a team. Sometimes being part of a team is hard work, but you might already know firsthand that working through a rough patch with your partner can draw you closer to each other.

The top reasons couples argue applies to most married couples, so you’re not alone.

So what are seven big reasons why normal couples argue?


1. Money

When you think of couples arguing, money is one of the first things that comes to mind. Money matters can put differences in your personalities and values in stark contrast.

Money is likely something you made decisions about by yourself before being in a serious relationship, so it can be hard when you have to share the decision-making process.


2. Sex

Sex is a vital part of intimacy. You and your partner might have different sexual needs.

Maybe you want your partner to initiate contact in bed, while your partner wants to have sex more often. Talking about what turns you on and makes you feel loved can cut down on the amount of arguing you do in this important area of your relationship — in a way that feels good for both of you.


3. Shared responsibilities

Sharing your home space with someone you love can be wonderful and fun, but it also means having to divvy up the chores. Sometimes it might feel like one person in your relationship is doing all the work, so little things like unloading the dishwasher can come to seem like a big deal.

Like sex, your expectations about cleanliness won’t necessarily be clear to each other until you take some time to talk about it.


couples counseling houston4. Jealousy

Jealousy is hard to talk about, but it can play a role in any strong relationship.

Seeing your partner interact with a coworker might make you feel unsure of his feelings or stir up your own feelings of insecurity.

Hearing about how much you love your job and how successful you’ve been there might make your partner feel a little jealous.

Both halves of every couple likely feel a little uncertain of themself at times.

Reaffirming the love and respect you have for each other can help put you both at ease.



5. Miscommunication

Miscommunications can pop up often when you both have a lot on your plate. In the aftermath of a miscommunication you might feel hurt.

An expectation you had was not met; you might wonder if your partner is really listening. Sometimes you hear something differently than what was really said, or your words come out in a way you didn’t mean.


6. Not feeling appreciated

In close, committed relationships, much of what you do is at least partially for the benefit of your partner. Feeling like your actions are unreciprocated or unappreciated can often precede an argument.


7. Exhaustion

Between kids, jobs, extended families, pets, and friends, you can spread yourself a little too thin. When you’re tired, a small remark or a messy bathroom can make you feel more upset than normal.

You and your partner are bound to lose perspective every once in awhile; but remember, it’s okay and normal for couples to argue.


When to Seek Counseling for Arguing

If you find that you and your partner are regularly bickering or getting caught up in arguments, there may be underlying patterns that need to be addressed in a safe, open, manner such as in couples counseling. Perhaps one partner feels shamed by the other and is responding to criticism when it may or may not be present.

There may be underlying pressures or resentments that are surfacing as “picking fights.” Sometimes when we have ongoing stress or unmet needs, these negative feelings can get projected onto our partner, even if it’s not really related to them.

Therapy can help you explore these types of triggers and resolve the issues that are causing stress in your relationship.

Arguing that turns physical or becomes about the person’s character (such as in name calling, etc) can be abusive. If you suspect that you are in an abusive relationship you can contact a hotline in your area for support or resources.


If you are experiencing persistent or regular arguing in your relationship, contact us in Houston to find out how couples counseling, relationship counseling, or marriage counseling can help you restore the bond you both share. To get started now give us a call to schedule an appointment at 832-559-2622 or schedule an appointment online.

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